powwows and peace pipes

Celeste is a school teacher -- no, she doesn't smoke on school premises -- and she points out that what is sadly missing from the ongoing war between the tobacco companies and the anti-smoking organizations -- and the ongoing harassment of smokers by community bullies that results from it -- is a genuine desire to resolve the conflict.

"I was watching the great foes of Northern Ireland -- the Republican extremist Martin McGuinness and the Loyalist extremist Ian Paisley -- finally resolve their differences after an endless war that took many lives and ruined even more," says Celeste, "and it suddenly occurred to me that the tobacco war has been going on for almost as long and it's about time that it, too, ended."

"It's probably not a particularly appropriate suggestion," laughs Celeste, "but what they need to do is to sit down, have a powwow, resolve their differences and smoke a peace pipe."

"Personally, I don't encounter much harassment where I live and work -- we're a pretty laid back sort of community," says Celeste. "While the principal doesn't approve of staff who smoke he's happy to butt out of our personal lives after working hours, and I'm happy to preach all the anti-smoking stuff to the kids because they need to be informed of the health hazards of all drugs."

"It's a different matter, though, when my husband and I have to travel," sighs Celeste. "What's with you city people? There are so many non-smoking signs and self-appointed citizen smoke police in the city that we can't believe we're in the same country!"

"Twice in the past six months I've been harassed by these self-appointed citizen smoke police -- for smoking (with my own personal ashtray) in a park and then outside a library, neither area prohibiting smoking," sighs Celeste, "and I can imagine how horrific this sort of environment would be if you have to put up with it every day."

"What's more scary is that when my husband and I tally these harassing encounters he receives half as many as I do -- and he smokes twice as much," sighs Celeste. "The harassers, so far, have all been male, so it's not just smokers they are targeting but women smokers particularly -- and this puts a nasty slant on it all."

"As I see it, if the ongoing war between the tobacco companies and the anti-smoking organizations came to an end, so would the ongoing harassment of smokers by community bullies that results from it," says Celeste. "So, how about it guys? Are your agendas negotiable or non-negotiable? Are you like Martin McGuinness and Ian Paisley, willing to make peace; or are you like Hamas and Israel, with the former pledged to destroy the other?"

"If we put up a wigwam on some neutral ground, provided you with the finest feathers to adorn your noble heads and gave you the choice of smoking the peace pipe or swigging back some fine whisky, or both, would you meet for a powwow?"

"It was once the time-honored way ancient cultures -- and some of our ancestors -- resolved their differences," says Celeste, "and it's a tragedy, really, that smoking the peace pipe would now be seen as a filthy, dirty, stinking and totally anti-social habit."

"Smoke -- in all its forms -- has incredible powers over and above its mundane uses," says Celeste. "It's been used for thousands of years as a medium for communication, healing and rites in a variety of ancient cultures."

"And tobacco -- like most plants -- has medicinal as well as toxic properties," explains Celeste. "We don't even know half of the magic of plants and herbs that ancient cultures knew -- this knowledge, an oral one, died out when the last ancient culture was wiped out."

"Lighting tobacco and smoking it," says Celeste, "is a peaceful and healing experience for me and, I'd say, for all smokers. It's why we do it, guys. Get it?"

"I'm certainly not going to advise that everybody should take up the habit," laughs Celeste. "On the contrary, I think it only appeals -- in its deepest sense -- to people with a spiritual connection to our ancient roots."

"What can be more fundamental to being a human being than our relationship with fire?"

"I know there are social smokers -- people who just put a cigarette in their mouths to make out while they're in company with smokers -- but they're not real smokers," says Celeste. "And I don't think chain smokers are real smokers, either -- they need stronger medication for what ails them."

"Someone who smokes alone, or in quiet accord with another smoker, is showing a spiritual connection to our ancient roots," says Celeste, "and it's this 'peace pipe' affect that's sorely needed in the tobacco war."

"Once the tobacco companies and the anti-smoking organizations have made their peace I don't expect that harassment of smokers by community bullies will stop overnight," sighs Celeste, "and I don't think powwows and peace pipes are a particularly a good way to deal with bullies in any case."

"What the harassing bullies need is a bit of zap-pow and a piece of pipe stuck where it hurts."