Fings Ain't Wot They Used To Be

Olympia is reminded of the old song "Fings Ain't Wot They Used to Be' - where the old guy complains that they've turned the local palais into a bowling alley – when she considers the increasing trend to turn local pubs into bistros. It looks like a drink at the pub will soon be as socially unacceptable as smoking due to puritan social engineering.

"Well, the bowling alley fad didn't last long -- it was turned into a health club, wasn't it?” sighs Olympia, “and now it's the turn of the local pub and it's going to hit hard the old guys, like my dad, who’s 92, for whom the local pub is a second home."

"I think the aim is to only serve alcohol with food -- not on its own," explains Olympia. "The drinkers and the smokers are supposed to buy their supplies at liquor or tobacco outlets and do their boozing and smoking at home -- leaving the beautiful people to eat their fine food and drink their fine wine in the old establishments that once catered for the lower class smokers and drinkers."

"For everyone who laughed at the idea that drinking was next, think again," says Olympia. "You only have to look at the many pubs that have already turned into bistros or other types of eating establishments to wonder whether the smoking ban was intended to destroy pub culture entirely and kill two social 'evils' -- smoking and drinking -- in one fell swoop."

"The nouveau riche middle class has made huge changes to our society already," says Olympia. "It hates smoking with a vengeance -- stinking lower class habit -- and while it is not opposed to alcohol, per se, it is definitely against low class beer drinkers and yobbo binge drinkers."

"All of the old pubs are prime real estate -- situated in the very best locations and often steeped in historical significance," says Olympia. "The nouveau riche middle class have been eyeing these places for years and wondering how they could get their hands on them."

"All they had to do was to break the nexus between drinking and smoking -- which they did successfully with the help of their friends in ASH and some awful government anti-smoking propaganda," laughs Olympia, "and the rest is going to be a piece of cake."

"Publicans stand to make a lot more money out of selling alcohol with food -- and the slow transformation of pubs into bistros has been going on for years," says Olympia. "The nouveau riche middle class don't go out to drink -- they go out for an 'experience' of fine food and wine -- and they are welcomed as far better customers in all respects by the publicans."

"Faced with a choice of their regular lowlife patrons hugging their cheap beers, or nouveau riche middle class ordering up big, it's a no brainer, isn't it?"

"I think most publicans are happy with the smoking ban whether or not they are prepared to say so publicly," says Olympia. "They see huge profits looming in the sale of food and wine, and they will appreciate, too, not having to spend money on regular cleaning and decorating nicotine stained walls and ceilings, right?"

"Forget about the smokers -- publicans never made a bean out of selling them cigarettes," says Olympia. "And forget about the drinkers, too, because compared with the profit that can be made from diners they are a dead loss."

"I don't think drinkers have twigged what is actually going on," says Olympia. "Most of them have accepted the smoking ban -- even if they are smokers -- but when more of their bar space is removed to make way for extended dining areas they might get to see the big picture."

"Pubs are definitely being transformed into bistros -- or some other form of eating establishment -- and the bar is going to be a place where patrons wait with an aperitif until their dining table is available."

"Lowlife locals, accustomed to using the public bar for a few beers after work are just not going to fit in with the new decor and patrons," explains Olympia. "Yes, it's a class war that's going on as well as a concerted move by the health fanatics to stamp out social smoking and drinking."

"It's okay to have a drink with a meal, but it's not okay to sit there all night drinking with your mates and going home drunk," says Olympia. "That's the lowlife drinking culture they want to stamp out -- get it?"

"Now that the smoking ban has been accomplished -- and the heavy smoking-drinking guys are staying home rather than being forced to separate their habits -- the health fanatics are now going to work on the non-smoking drinkers," says Olympia, "and they're going to use the same tactics, too."

"Watch out for a blaze of over-the-top advertisements telling you about the health hazards of drinking -- especially in relation to others," says Olympia, "and then prepare yourself for a virulent backlash from the community against the drinking culture."

"Your kids will come home from school and accuse you of abuse for drinking at home;the young shop assistants who sell you alcohol will sneer at you; your boss and co-workers will sniff you for telltale odors of alcohol when you come back from lunch; and dining patrons at your local pub will stare at you with a mixture of pity and revulsion as you sit at the bar with your beer."

"In the meantime, as more pubs turn into bistros and won't serve you alcohol without a four course meal, there are going to be fewer places where you can go to relax with a few beers," predicts Olympia. "And finally, this will be enshrined in law."

"Like the smokers, drinkers will become pariahs -- your social life will have been robbed from you -- and the only place you'll be able to indulge your habit will be at home," sighs Olympia. "If you have kids, your neighbors will then report you as a negligent parent for smoking or drinking around them."

"Hope you have a shed out back because that's the only place where you're likely to be able to drink or smoke in peace -- just make sure the door is shut and nobody can see you."