selling trees like papal indulgences

Kirri has worked out that the creation of guilt and fear in the masses for things they are addicted to or need for comfortable living underpins the political and religious basis of western civilization and, rather than becoming a fire and brimstone preacher or a politician, she judged that easier money could be made by taking advantage of the new fad of environmentalism preached at both religious and political pulpits. She set herself up as a carbon footprint expert selling trees like papal indulgences.

"Governments and religions are nothing more than protection rackets -- justifying their existence by whipping up fear and guilt," says Kirri, "and while I can opt out of tithing away my income I cannot opt out of paying tax. So, when I was looking around for a self-employment opportunity I thought it would be a good idea to capitalize on what they were preaching. Global warming!"

"Were I living in the 1930s when the new fad was prohibition, I would have found some way to make a living out of that -- as many people did, not always legally -- and it's the same throughout history," says Kirri. "Watch what the government and the church is doing -- who and what they're for and against at any point in time -- and jump on the bandwagon!"

"Look at the tremendous self-employment opportunities that came about after the invasion of Iraq," says Kirri. "A woman can't easily enter the security or reconstruction field, so I had to wait until environmental issues came into focus before making my move."

"My work is very similar to preaching," admits Kirri. "Instead of calling upon the wrath of God I call upon the wrath of Nature -- probably one and the same entity -- and people are happy to pay me for my services."

"People want to do the right thing and be accepted as good environmental citizens -- yet we all have our little weaknesses," laughs Kirri. "If I can make a family with five gas-guzzling vehicles feel good by advising them to plant so many trees then what harm have I done?"

"Before the Reformation, the whole Catholic church operated on selling indulgences to offset sins and that's exactly what I am doing," says Kirri. "Offsetting environmental sins by selling trees won't stop people sinning any more than the papal indulgences did, but at least I can run a nice little business from the exercise."

"My business plan is very simple," says Kirri. "I increase guilt and fear in people already spooked by the demise of Planet Earth and offer my services to help them reduce their carbon footprint."

"Mostly, I urge my clients to plant trees to offset their environmental sins -- yes, just like the old papal indulgences -- and I have a good financial deal with a plant nursery that gives me a great commission on the trees I recommend."

"I advertise in the local newspapers -- but already I am getting most of my clients by word of mouth," says Kirri. "And, although I admit to being an opportunist, I am sincere about making the world a healthier place to live in -- and pass on to our children -- and my clients do appreciate getting the right advice about environmentally correct living."

"No, I am not a qualified scientist -- I come from a sales background," admits Kirri. "What I do does not require me to be Einstein and besides which since when have qualifications been required by politicians and preachers?"

"Does George Bush need military qualifications to start a war and call himself a commander?"

"I do extensive research on products and advise clients how to cut down on their carbon emissions," says Kirri. "My work also involves being something like a professional de-clutterer. Most of the stuff in people's homes is useless rubbish, wasting space and resources, and another one of my sidelines is gaining commission from second-hand dealers that I recommend to pick up this junk for recycling."

"Do I practise what I preach?"

"Well, I own my own vehicle so I don't come down hard on clients who have more vehicles than they need," laughs Kirri. "That would be like a alcoholic priest denouncing the demon drink wouldn't it?"

"I also tend to fly rather than use trains or buses for long distances and I know that's naughty," laughs Kirri, "but I salve my sins by having lot of pot plants around my apartment."

"I also do little things like turn off lights when I'm not using a room and switch off at the main plug rather than use standby," says Kirri. "Every little bit helps -- which is what I keep on telling my clients."

"If every politician and preacher were required by law to practise what they preached nobody would enter those professions," laughs Kirri. "It's always been a case of do what I tell you to do, not do what I do."

"I'm planning on extending my commission income by connecting with solar energy providers, double glaziers and tradesmen generally who are environmentally conscious," confides Kirri. "Right now, people just want to know how much energy they are using and how they can cut it, but eventually I hope to be able to scare enough people into totally changing their houses to become 100% carbon efficient."

"Am I ethical?"

"Just as ethical as anybody out to make a buck for themselves and be their own boss," says Kirri. "But I do believe in the moral correctness of what I am doing. The world is becoming a polluted and nasty place and with global warming we are at risk of terrible flooding and all sorts of disasters."

"I believe people need to hear about these terrible things and be made to feel guilty and scared because their actions are contributing towards ultimate disaster."

"No, I am most certainly not in favor of banning all environmentally hazardous products and actions -- and neither is the government," says Kirri. "Without these sins I wouldn't have a business, would I? And without sins in general, no politician or preacher would have a job either."

"The creation of guilt and fear in the masses for things they are addicted to or need for comfortable living underpins the political and religious basis of western civilization," explains Kirri. "Simple societies are considered simple because their entire lives are spent sustaining themselves on a daily basis -- hunting, fishing and growing edibles -- and with this sort of lifestyle they don't produce people who want to make an easy living out of making people feel guilty about what they do naturally."

"As a product of western civilization, I can only exist by exploiting others," explains Kirri. "I didn't devise the system, I don't particularly like it, but being part of it I have to do what I have to do in order to make a living. After all, politicians make an easy living out of scaring me into paying tax to keep the wolf from my door -- I know there's no wolf, and so do they -- and that's why it's a protection racket."

"The new religion of environmentalism may not last long so I have to keep on eye on what's coming next," adds Kirri. "Already guilt and fear have been stirred up for just about everything people are addicted to or need for comfortable living, so in order to keep the fear and guilt alive and the money coming in they're going to have to start recycling fads or become draconian."

Kirri's story first appeared as capitalize on global warming!